(A side note to my lovely loyal readers: I apologize profusely for the recent lack of new material. You see I've been kept off the internet by in international conspiracy known as "The Man". Have no fears, my friends. I assure you, I am fighting the man tooth and nail. And after a week of struggle, anger, and sickness, I have plenty of material ready to go. And as a side note to you, Mr. Man -- No one puts Honkycracker in a corner! I will win the good fight. For you. For me. For all of us. Word to your mother.)
All that aside... So far today, I have seen two people who have patches of Fat Albert sewed onto the right buttcheek pocket of their jeans. Is something going on here? Has Fat Albert come out with his own clothing line? Because if he has, I think I want in.
First of all, I'm not sure why anyone would want Fat Albert stuck to the bum of his or her jeans. Are they thinking, "When people look at my ass, I want them to be reminded of a large, overweight African-American."? But hey, it's none of my business, really.
Personally, I love Fat Albert. I loved Fat Albert when I was a kid. I loved Fat Albert when I was an adolescent. And then one day, without warning, Fat Albert was taken away from me? I couldn't find Fat Albert on TV at any time, any day? Why world? Why? You took Joey Ramone, Frank Sinatra, and The Internet ™ away from me. Must you take Fat Albert, too?
For a while, I theorized that Fat Albert decided to give up the cartoon show gig to become a rapper. For years, I was convinced that he had changed his name and became the artist we all know as Biggie Smalls, a.k.a., The Notorious B.I.G. But I can't bring myself to believe that Fat Albert could be the primary factor behind the murder of Tupac Shakur. I just can't. I guess I'll just have to wait for the Unsolved Mysteries Fat Albert Special to air.
Perhaps these jeans are just a way of saying "We Remember You" to the dearly departed Fat Albert. Just like we pour out the bottoms of our 40's to Tupac. Just like we down a whiskey shot for Joey (and now, sadly, Dee Dee too) every time we hear a Ramones song. Fat Albert, we proudly wear you on our asses. Rest in Peace, my large-bellied brother. In heaven, there ain't no Rudys.
(P.S. I think there's a HUGE demand for Fat Albert memorabilia that's not being served. If someone were to release Fat Albert comics, videos, toys, etc., I think they would make a killing. Rudy Hats. Mush Mouth Dental Dams. Good times, my friends. Good times.)
