honky cracker: Got Hard? Mike's Hard Lemonade. Jack Daniel's Hard Cola. Hard Cider. Hard Iced Tea. Smirnoff Ice. That weird brown crap that Captain Morgan makes. Yes,premium malt beverages are all the rage right now. Well, at least they are with the "I'm Too Wussy To Drink Beer" crowd. And Eurotrash. But at least the Eurotrash can always turn to Red Bull and Vodka.
However crappy these beverages may be, they sell. They sell big-time. Which got me to thinking. I said to myself, "Hey Romine. Look at all these Premium Malt Beverages. They're all the rage. Certainly, you can come up with a more palatable beverage idea than alcoholic iced tea!"
And then it hit me. It hit me Hard.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, I present to you the ONLY premium malt beverage satisfying enough to wear the HonkyCracker label.
I present to you Mr. Romine's Hard Milk.
Think about it. How many times have you sat at the breakfast table, pondering life over a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and thought to yourself," Damn! I wish I could start my day with a breakfast that has a little more kick to it!"? How many times have you been left feeling empty, sad, and sober after one of your mid-day calcium boosts? How many times have you thought to yourself, lying in your crib pooping, "I wish that woman wouldgive me just a little somethin' to take the edge off!"
Brother/Sister, your troubles are over. Now with Hard Milk, you get 100% of your USDA recommended allowance of Calcium, 25% of your Vitamin D needs, 8% of that hard-to-find Phosphorus -- and 5.6% of it is alcohol! Mr. Romine's Hard Milk is the ONLY Premium Malt-Milk beverage that satisfies ALL of those dietary needs.
I already have the Olsen twins signed up for the opening at campaign blast. Think about it. They're the perfect celebrities to endorse Mr. Romine's Hard Milk. They appeal to the pre-teen audience who needs this kind of nutrition to strengthen bones, build muscles, get straight A's and all that bullsh*t PLUS the alcohol to help them cope with the overwhelming pressures of being a teenager in today's society. The Olsen twins also appeal to the older, more discerning liquor connoisseurs who admire the Twins' fine acting chops.
Check out our first ad:
Yeah. Got Hard. It's kinda like that milk campaign. You know, "Got Milk?" but with a Hard edge.
Mr. Romine's Hard Milk is also great for babies! Check out our TV ad.
Dad: Wow, honey. The baby sure is quiet tonight. I haven't heard one peep out of him!
Mom: That's because tonight I secretly switched his usual baby formula to Mr. Romine's Hard Milk. Mr. Romine's hard milk has all of the vitamins and minerals that a growing baby needs, PLUS it's 5.6% alcohol.
Dad: Wow! 5.6%. That's a LOT for a baby!
Mom: It's sure is, honey. It sure is! He'll be out for hours!
Dad: Amen to that. And amen to Mr. Romine's Hard Milk!
So sit back everybody. Relax. And pop open a Mr. Romine's Hard Milk. Your mother would want you too.
(Special thanks to Ro-Dogg for his work on my ad campaign.)
