honky cracker: Valentinius the Slammin' Back in the day, a man named Valentinius was knows as being the bangin'-est progressive house DJ in all of old Rome. The man dropped some slammin'-ass beats. He was so wildly successful and hugely popular that he even opened a few of his own clubs just so he could get all his fans into his shows. Dude was fly.
Back in those days, all the making-of-the-out in public was illegal and punishable by death. So Valentinius, being the proponent of free-love that he was, build little secret hidden caves in the walls of all his clubs, so lovers could sneak away and do their thing away from prying eyes.
Eventually, he was caught for this, and sentenced to death.
While in prison, Valentinius fell in love with the blind daughter of his prison guard. The guard took a liking to Valentinius, and permitted his daughter to visit him before his death.
One night, Valentinius gave the daughter some sweet-ass ecstasy that was so slammin', it restored her eyesight.
A funny thing about February 14th and old Rome - on that day, every year, all the birds would simultaneously pair off and form lifelong partnerships with another bird. They'd fly back north, mate, and start their little bird cycles all over again.
Valentinius's beheading was scheduled to occur at high noon on February 14th, 152 AD.
On his way to his execution, Valentinius passed by his young love. Forbidden to speak to anyone on that day, he simply passed a note to her that read "I'm your Valentinius", then walked right on.
Did you know Howdy Doody was a virgin when he died?
