honky cracker: More Honk, Less Wonk (An excerpt from my private journals, dated June 5th, 2003. Editor's note: This is from the time when I lived in a miserable little apartment upstairs from three miserable little people. I took myself out a lot more then than I do now. This is me, out at a bar, on my own -- trying to escape that miserable little hole I lived in for six months. -- CR)
The Asshole Man at the next table is threatened by me. Seeing that I already had a drink in front of me and was yet again ambling up to the bar, he felt it his duty to step in front of me -- beat me to the punch. He couldn't lose face in front of his companion -- a lovely little blonde thing fatigued in camoflauge.
All I wanted was an ashtray. All he wanted was for her to not run away.
He himself realized he had no ashtray as he had lit his cigarette several drags ago. Not to be outdone, he asked for one as well. But I had taken the last one. Honky: 1 World: Nil
A group of four walked in with no place to sit. I am One, and occupying a table. They leave. Honky: 2 World: Nil
I order myself another Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks. Here they cost six dollars. I get mine for $4.50 Honky:3 P&S(the bar): -$1.50 World: Nil
My bartender looks like a somewhat older version of Spike (from TV's "Buffy the Vampire Slayer") with graying hair and well-defined temples. He recognizes me from my last visit -- which occurred quite a while ago, when I paid for my JWB with a $20, and he gave me change for a hundred. After that happened, I let him in on the gaffe. He responded with "I never would have noticed. You have such an honest face." Honky: Still 3 P&S: -$1.50 Spike: 1 World: Nil
This is for all those who know me better, despite my face. Honky: 3 World: 1
I was so full after brunch today. Ate a cheese, tomato, and red pepper omelette with home fries, toast, coffee, and orange juice. The waitress forgot my sausage. I didn't correct her. Honky: 3 World: 2
I've taken to taking myself out for brunch on the weekend days, usually around a-quarter-past-one. I have no girlfriend to wake up beside me and say "let's start the day off right, and then I'll take you out to brunch" to. Instead I wake up all alone and say to myself, "Honky, despite it all, you're still a pretty good guy. I'm taking you out to brunch." Honky: 4 World:2
A pretty girl lurches over from behind the door. "Excuse me, but could I trouble you for a cigarette?" "Of course. No trouble at all. Do you need a light?" She drops my pack of cigarettes on the floor. She bends over to pick them up. (Editor's Note: Remember when we could smoke in bars? That was cool.) "Not only am I rude," she says, "but I drop your cigarettes on the floor." "You're not rude at all." "Thank you!" She ambles back to her table. Honky: 5 World: 2
$15 seems to be missing from my wallet -- the change from my last JWB. (minus the dollar tip, it's acually $14) Oh, well. I made a karma payment.) Honky:6 World: 2 plus $14
"Asshole Guy" bums a cig. Asks me what I'm writing. I mention Happyrobot. He brings up The Morning News. I neglect to tell him that I've been referring to him as "Asshole Guy". Which, I admit, in calling him that I rushed to judgement, as I am apt to do. "Asshole Guy" loses Asshole Guy moniker. He needs a new nickname. Honky: 7 (one for growing and realizing that I, at least in part, am an Asshole Guy) The Artist Formerly Known as "Asshole Guy": 2 (one for being social to the anti-social guy and one more for reading The Morning News) World: 2
I usually like to space out my cigarettes. I feel like I'm stalling the cancer that way. But tonight it's one-after-the-other. I'm on a roll. I'll slow down later. But tonight I'm gonna roll with the role that's been given to me. Honky: 7 Cancer:1
It's fucking pouring now. And I'm inside a bar. The bar is open for another two hours -- long enough to provide hope that the rain will pass... and the rain provides an excuse to stay here and enjoy some of Scotland's finest while I write more crap. I was in a musical when I was fifteen years old called Once on this Island. And while it has its shortcomings, as far as musicals go, it's not that bad. I remember one song from it... the Goddess of the Earth sang it, and the chorus went something like "And whatever you need, Mama will provide". Yes. Believe it or not, a musical with a character called the "Goddess of the Earth" is "not that bad", at least by musical theater standards. You're going to have to take my word on this one. Mama is providing me tonight. Honky: 8 World: 2, plus whatever.
Now considering switching to beer. Hunger telling me not to consume so much straight alcohol. Nerves and Wits tell me I'm fine. I served my stomach well today. Nerves and Wits, however,have been getting the shaft Honky:8 Nerves and Wits: 1 more Johnnie Walker. Stomach: A now-digested omelette brunch
Three very pretty girls walk into the bar and disturb me from my introverted bliss of playing Radiohead's "There There" in my head. There's no intrinsic value in that. "There There"-ian bliss beats three pretty girls any day. Point -- World Honky: 8 World: 3
Some guy yells "That's my bus!" and leaves. I don't need a bus to get home. I live around the corner. Honky: 9 World: 3
They're playing Buckethead's sublime little album "Colma" on the bar stereo. "You're playing Buckethead?" I ask the bartender. "Yeah. Colma's a wonderful album." "I love it. I saw him this past winter, playing guitar for Guns N' Roses. He's fucking amazing!" "Did he wear the whole Buckethead get-up?" "Oh yeah! Mask. KFC Bucket with the FUNERAL tag. He's fucking HUGE!" Honky: 9 Spike: 818 (One from before, plus 817 for playing a Buckethead solo album in a public place where people can hear it.) World: Can eat my ass at this point
While I was peeing, somebody opened the window behind my seat. It's a cold rain, and my back is wet. Honky: 9 World: 4
Switched from JWB to Newcastle. It's killing my buzz. Honky: 9 World: 5
I met a girl this past week -- a pirate girl. (She works on a ffishing boat. She's a pirate.) I was at a going-away party for a friend of a friend of mine. She didn't know anybody there, and neither did I. She was brought there by a friend from work who knew the girl who was leaving. Well... everyone but the two of us got ridiculously drunk and started doing ridiculous things. We wanted no part of that. We just hung out, and that was cool. And she was a pirate girl who looked and talked like a dirty-blonde Jennifer Connelly. She invited me to party on Friday night, which I went to at one in the morning. She passed out at 2:00, and I spent the next two hours explaining Stanislavsky to some 18 year old kid. She turns out to be 21 and still in college. I turn out to be 26 and not the man I used to be. Point -- there is no point.
THE FINAL TALLY:
HONKY: Whatever. P&S: -$1.50 "ASSHOLE GUY": 2 CANCER: 1 SPIKE THE BARTENDER: 818 NERVES AND WITS: One Johnnie Walker Black on the Rocks STOMACH: Big Brunch divided by Empty = Hungry WORLD: Doesn't matter. It's still less than what Honkycracker came up with.
