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Nutshell Kingdom: It Ruins Everything
2005
I had a dream this morning about a friend I haven't seen in years. We were rooming together in a dorm at some college and she got this new boyfriend and he was unbearable and in some way, made her unbearable and ridiculous. The dream ended when I threw some wordless snit, a silent tantrum and we marched out behind this building to have a talk about it. And I woke with the realization that despite all I could say, every positive thing I felt, all that love (not-romantic), all that feeling of hope and connection and friendship, I was going to be the bad guy, that I was wrong and unreasonable and even knowing this didn't matter, because I couldn't change how I felt, how I hated her with him and how for no good reason, it was going to ruin everything.
I woke up at 5:30 feeling like there were bees under my skin and that I didn't want to ever get married and I didn't want to fall in love; I just wanted certain people to be with me forever and that that was impossible because who would give up falling in love and getting married for me?
I certainly wouldn't.
