Post-Modern Drunk: Thrice-Divorce Kim Davis's Guide to Moral Living

Post-Modern Drunk: Thrice-Divorce Kim Davis's Guide to Moral Living
Notable bigot and Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis--who it should be noted every time she's mentioned has been divorced four times, against the commandments of her own religion--has had her suit rejected by the Supreme Court and has been ordered to start issuing marriage licenses for everyone. This is a good precedent to have: one's religious beliefs don't give you the right to deny other people their civil rights. We don't let people's racism prevent them from serving people of other races (anymore), and we don't let people's homophobia prevent them from doing their government job (anymore).

However, what I'm most disappointed with Ms. Davis for is her utterly inconsistency in enforcing God's will in her job. The hypocrisy of her demanding that we live by her morality when even she doesn't live by her own morality is really galling.

However, I am nothing if not compassionate, so here is a list of religious rules that thrice-divorced Kim Davis should demonstrate she either lives up to or has endured the proper punishments for; if she demonstrates her innocence or does the time, then I will agree that she can then attempt for us to live by her own blinkered morality.

The Bible is a big book, with 613 commandments (counting the Big Ten). I'm not going to go through all of them for thrice-divorced Kim Davis, of course, but let's touch on some of the big ones that thrice-divorced Kim Davis should demonstrate she's avoided or atoned for. We'll give her a mulligan on a couple hundred, out of charity.

So. Right off the bat, thrice-divorced Kim Davis has almost definitely caused untold harm by working while menstruating*. The menstrual impurity lasts for seven days, and whoever touches her in that time has be unclean. Moreover, everything she sits or lies down on during that time is unclean. Her continuing to work has made every marriage license and licensee impure. The effects of spreading impurity throughout God's kingdom are incalculable.

Judging by her fugly outfits, thrice-divorced Kim Davis has no problem with polyester or cheap cotton clothing. She should demonstrate that she has not violated the laws against wearing clothing woven of two kinds of material. This is very serious. ** More over, I've seen her wearing multiple shirts, which is a clear violation of the advice of John the Baptist, who asks those of us who have multiple shirts to share with those that have none ***. Sure, maybe she does and we just don't see about it, but she should be able to demonstrate proof of this before returning to make moral demands of the rest of us.

I'd also love some indication that she's not ever eaten shellfish or any crustaceans before she's allowed to judge my marriage. ****

Oh, and while we're at it I'd love some proof that she's denied any bankers or loansharks a marriage license. I mean, I'd like this anyway, since bankers and loansharks are assholes who we should take steps to prevent from being allowed to breed, but also because lending money to for interest is a sin punishable by death. *****

That's five. There are 608 other commandments we could attempt to judge her on...oh wait! One more! Thrice-divorced Kim Davis has been divorced three times and remarried. That's a LOT of adultery by Biblical standards. By Biblical standards she should be stoned to death three times.

And then she'll be able to talk to us about her moral demands that the rest of us should live by. We'll continue to ignore them, but we'll listen.

* When a woman has a discharge, if her discharge in her body is blood, she shall continue in her menstrual impurity for seven days; and whoever touches her shall be unclean until evening.�Everything also on which she lies during her menstrual impurity shall be unclean, and everything on which she sits shall be unclean.�Leviticus 15: 19-20

** Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.�Leviticus�19:19

*** Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same. Luke 3:11

**** All that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you.�Leviticus�9:10

***** Lends at interest, and takes profit; shall he then live? He shall not live. He has done all these abominations; he shall surely die; his blood shall be upon himself. -Ezekiel 18:13

comments | 9/1/2015 | perma-link

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