Post-Modern Drunk: How to survive an anaconda attack

Post-Modern Drunk: How to survive an anaconda attack
There are many things you don't think you're capable of that you manage to do once you thrust into the situation. For instance, just this past weekend I not only survived going to church twice back in Fargo, ND without the wrath of god coming down from heaven and consuming me, I did so to 1) attend the wedding of the last woman I loved and 2) attend the baptism of her child, all while under the watchful eye of her father, a man who once threatened to kill me if I ever hurt her or broke her heart. Which I'd done in the intervening time since he (the father) and I (the non-husband/father) had last seen each other.

And then there are some things you really know you're completly incapable of doing, no matter how much you'd like to survive.

Case in point:

How to survive an anaconda attack

Taken from "The World's Most Dangerous Places," by Robert Young Pelton
1. Do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground, put your arms tight against your sides and your legs tight against each other.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will being to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. The snake will begin to swallow your feet first.
7. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees, reach down, take your knife, slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg. Quickly rip upward, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

This is the long way for me to say that I've some stories from this past week that I might tell, or at least hint at, but rather than do so tonight, I thought this piece would remind us that, as bad as things may be going, they could be much worse. You could be panicking with a snake consuming you from the head down, with your dull knife forgotten back in your room.

That would suck.

comments[6] | 8/12/2004 | perma-link

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