Post-Modern Drunk: Potentially embarrassing things about me I shouldn't reveal until at least the third date.
My boss told me just this evening that maybe I should keep some of the things about me hidden: that once you out yourself as the type of guy who knows where Captain James T. Kirk was born, others' opinion of you is altered irreparably. As I tend not to pay attention to my boss's advice outside of how to raise money or how to get our decrepit database to do what you want it to do, I submit for your approval my list of

Potentially Embarrassing Things I Shouldn't Reveal About Myself Until at Least the Third Date.


• The first concert I ever saw was Billy Joel, post-River of Dreams, the second was Creedence Clearwater Revisited (that is, without John Fogerty) and the third was the Dave Matthews Band, post-"Before these Crowded Streets."
  
  
• Somewhere in my closet, perhaps sitting on my Magic: The Gathering deck, there's a dice bag that was once used to keep my bard Levendis alive deep into Undermountain when the Ring of Invisibility and the Vorpal Blade weren't enough.
  
  
• I can remember the deep and fundamental differences between Cardassians, Ferengi, Bajorans, and yes, Klingons.
  
  
• I can name the core team of the X-Men in the original '60s inception, their '70s reboot version, and both the blue and the gold team after it split up into two books during the early 90s, along with the core X-Force team, and the two incarnations that X-Factor went through in the '80s and '90s.
  
  
• I can remember the names of the three boys and the girl who have joined Batman under the name of "Robin."
  
  
• I know the best way to defeat Mr. Mxyzptlk, Mumm-Ra, or Two-Face.
  
  
• Which is to say, I own somewhere in the neighborhood of 2,500 comic books.
  
  
• Up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-B-A-select-start means something to me.
  
  
• I can quote verbatim large chunks of all three canonical Star Wars movies, most of Army of Darkness, all of The Big Lebowski, and more Monty Python episodes than I'm comfortable acknowledging.
  
  
• Up until they started calling themselves NKOTB, I owned every New Kids on the Block album on tape. Then I came to my senses.
  
  
• My reading diet used to consist of Nancy Drew, Trixie Belden, and the Hardy Boys mysteries, the Dragonlance "novels," or the works of Robert Heinlein, Harlan Ellison, and Orson Scott Card.
  
  
• As of last week, I've read, and can speak in depth about, nigh everything Stephen King as published.
  
  
• Texture is very important to me when it comes to eating. I hate tofu, and I don't eat much fruit, especially bananas, even though I love the taste.
  
  
• I'm inordinately proud of my ability to move quickly through crowds.
  
  
• I'm almost pathologically unable to match clothes; making sure my tie matches my pants is like trying to translate a sentence from a language I was taught in a class I didn't pay attention to.
  
  
• My favorite show as a kid was Night Court.
  
  
• I can be convinced to sing karaoke. Once the convincing has happened, you'd have to fight me away from the microphone.
  
  
• I often wear moccasins to bed because my feet get cold otherwise.
  
  
• It takes a lot of effort for me to swim in the ocean, due to too many viewings of "Jaws" over the years.
  
  
• I didn't vote in the last presidential election; however, I was leaning towards voting for Nader.
  
  
• I grew up in Fargo, North Dakota.
  
  
• I slept with the light on until I was a freshmen in high school.
  
  
• I own a stuffed Karl Marx doll.
  
  
• I didn't realize the song "Lola," was about a transvestite until I was 24.
  
  
• I am afraid of dogs, heights, the dark, clowns, snakes, and spiders.
  
  
• I have seen more musicals by Andrew Lloyd Webber than by any other composer/writer.
  
  
• I have no compunction against drinking enough so that lighting myself on fire seems like not such a bad idea.
  
  
• I secretly want people to ask me what my IQ is, though I never have figured out a good way to bring it up without making me seem like a complete ass (this definitely does not count as a good way).
  
  
• I saw "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace"--which I hated--in the theaters five times. Twice on opening day.
  
  
• I still remember Dana Scully's birthday.
  
  
• I used to struggle with a compulsion to never step on the cracks in the sidewalk.
  
  
• I was pulled over for going 20 miles over the speed limit in Colorado, while I had no license, and I managed to get out of it with only a $51 ticket. I even got it all recorded on a mini-cassette recorder.
  
  
• Up until 1997 I had seen every "Police Academy" movie multiple times.
  
  
• I failed to graduate from college on time because I was too busy pursuing a girl I knew I had no future with. I never even kissed her.
  
  
• I have, on three separate occasions, swore that I would never live with my parents again. I have moved back in with them twice.
  
  
• I was Confirmed in Lutheran Church, briefly studied how to read Tarot Cards, dabbled in nihilism during my Nietzsche-reading days, and throughout all this, have remained a half-hearted hedonist.
  
  
• I tend to believe that confessing my own dysfunctions endears me to others.
  
  

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