Post-Modern Drunk: An Open Letter to My Ex-Boss
My boss introduced me to happyrobot back in 2003, and as he recently went to a better place (somewhere in Brooklyn, that is, not up to heaven), I feel I owe him a quick note of apology for all the things I did or didn't done during my tenure as his minion.

• First, though, a quick thank you for your chronic lateness; you enabled me to get an extra half-hour of sleep without having to worry about getting in too much trouble. And when you came in on time? Sorry that the "trains were late" that day.
  
  
• Just a quick heads-up. I'm going to be blaming you for everything that goes wrong in the department for the next few months, so I wouldn't try using anyone here for a reference.
  
  
• And, to be honest, the only time I did any work was when I could hear someone walking around behind me. Thank you for not having a light step. (Also, thank god for ALT-TAB).
  
  
• All those times I went "down to Accounting?" Yeah, sorry, I was actually just visiting people o the sixth floor to flirt, bitch about work, or polish up our resumes.
  
  
• All those times I went "down to Studio 61?" Yeah, well, that was actually stepping outside to smoke. It's an addiction, man.
  
  
• I only really pretended to care all that much about classical music.
  
  
• That one time you had our department over and made us dinner? I spent most of the evening badmouthing you to your cats whenever your back was turned. Sorry that they now look at you with disdain.
  
  
• The following days are days I did substandard work because of hangovers of varying intensity and duration: June 6th, August 10th, October 10, December 13th, January 2-6th, most of February, and Mondays.
  
  
• Those weeks I missed of work in January? When I was out with "pneumonia?" No, I wasn't in the Bahamas, like you suspected. I'm loath to admit this, but I was actually at this special camp to help people come to terms with being a plushy. I'm not proud for lying to you, but at least now I can live a normal life without this hideous secret. And you should have seen the orgies! Imagine "Where the Wild Things Are," with more lube.
  
  
• And while we're on the subject of vacation, I suppose I should mention that that trip to Italy in November was really an extended business trip of sorts--the extra day in the country was actually because I was having trouble tracking down an associate. You wouldn't happen to know where to unload a brick of hashish, would you?
  
  
• I only smoked up a couple of times at work, I swear, though I did store my stash in your office, just in case. I guess we're both lucky that worked out so well.
  
  
• Oh, that really cute girl you met last year who was really into Belle and Sebastian and Sondheim called up while you were out--she said she was ready to commit and that you should call her back by the end of the day--if she didn't hear from you, she'd never bring it up again. Sorry I forgot to give you her message--it slipped my mind.
  
  
• She left her number, by the way. I hope you don't mind if I give her a call.
  

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