Post-Modern Drunk: Girlie Drinks
[This one goes out to...well, you know who you are.]

In Edinburgh, the Aussie called them "lollywater" or "alcopops"--like lollipops. Back in college, they were often referred to with no hint of PC-ness as "bitch drinks" or, less dispargingly as "girlie drinks." Whatever you term them, the disdain is clear: these are not drinks you should be caught drinking in public.

These are the boy bands of booze. Someone out there is drinking them, and someone out there is producing them, but it's a guilty pleasure at best. It's porn for alcoholics.

But tonight, I drink them.

So you don't have to.

First, let's delve into B^e. If your HTML didn't handle that properly, that's "B to the e." Which my math nerd sensibility translates as "B to the natural log" or "B to 2.71828183..." Budweiser, on the other hand, translates that as "Beer with caffeine, ginseng and guarana extract and Natural flavor." One wonders what the natural flavor is, doesn't one? Especially since there isn't a flavor in this drink that feels natural.

There are about four levels of taste here in B^e, and they're all feral. First, there's the foretaste of Red Bull before the drink even hits your mouth--a harbinger of the twisted feast to come. Then there's the moment it fizzles onto your tongue--the unnerving feeling of alcoholic Scrubbing Bubbles scouring the grout off your tongue briefly distracting from what is essentially flat beer and about ten scoops of sugar dumped unceremoniously in a Budweiser bottle.

Then you've got dueling banjos of aftertaste, eaching claming different lingual territory--a hideous tartness that must be either the guarana or the ginseng puckering you up, versus the aftertaste of malt liquor on your poor beleagured tongue.

I'm seriously considering dropping a lit cigarette into this crap in the hopes it will improve the taste. There's nothing redeemable about this B^e. It's not strong enough to get you drunk, there's not enough caffeine or other stuff in it to replace Red Bull or even coffee, and it's not tasty enough for anyone to voluntarily drink it on its own.

To flush out the ass/pucker taste out of my mouth, I've also bought a variety six pack of Smirnoff Ice "Twisted." Doesn't that sound badass??? Smirnoff Twisted! We will fuck you up and make you unsuitable for human contact! Like you'll have a drink and then proceed to bite the head off a baby goat before you get your pedo-necro-zoophilia jollies off of it, all courtesty of Smirnoff.

It's fucking lollywater, no matter how you phrase it. You buy it for girls so they will find you less objectionable. Thankfully, lollywater turns out to be even stronger than beer, so hopefully you can get them drunk enough to allow you to go home with them, but hopefully not so drunk that they will forget to wriggle a little when you achieve your goal. Because it's clear, if you're buying these drinks for a girl, that's the type of guy you are. Turn down the Dave Matthews Band CD a second, straighten out your baseball cap, shut up with the goddamn "wassup!"--it's been a half a decade since that fucking commercial, learn a new damn catchphrase--okay, are you with me? Stop buying girls Smirnoff Ices and shit just to get them to sleep with you. Can't you just drug them like you used to?

You are destroying their teeth! Show a shred of humanity! That's the problem here. These drinks are supersaturated with sugar--a sudden jolt to the bottle will make it all crystalize. Prolonged exposure to Smirnoff Ice will destroy teeth as effectively as getting into a fist fight in an alley, and just as quickly.

Ladies, trust me here. First of all, if a guy buys you these, avoid him at all costs. If the hemp necklace, backwards trucker hat, an off-hand reference to hazing, or the rohypnol floating in your crap-ass drink didn't tip you off, you're not really going to enjoy this evening unless you quickly recuse yourself from his company.

Check it out. You have the perfect drink in your hand to throw in his face. Not only will the fizzing blind him, but there's a good chance the sheer amount of sugarcubes in your drink will knock him out. Give it a shot.

If you must drink the Smirnoff Ice, please, for your own safety, brush your teeth. A lot. I was trying to give them a good scrubbing after every drink, but I was forced to ration the toothpaste after the fourth "Twisted!!!" (Raspberry, it was). For god's sake, whatever you do, don't kiss anyone who is diabetic, unless you want to kill them.

Whatever. I was prepared to review all of these individually, but it's all the same: a base of Smirnoff Ice with a spalsh of artificial flavoring on top of it. By now, you know what faux watermelon or green apple or black cherry is going to taste like, whether it's booze or candy or condoms. You know what you're going to get with these drinks. Drink it if you want, but it's the McDonalds of booze. Don't expect anyone to respect you for it, unless they're waiting for you to take off your pants and do what comes naturally.

B^e in Brief
Quality: F
Taste: Multivalent crap. Sugary flat beer
Aftertaste: Malt liquor and ass-pucker
Strength of Liquor: 13.2 proof - 6.6% alcohol by volume
Strength of Hangover: Unknown. Who the hell would drink enough to be hungover?
Final Recommendation: I can't imagine anyone voluntarily drinking this beyond the first taste of it. So please, just trust me and avoid this shit.

Smirnoff Ice Twisted in Brief
Quality: C
Taste: You'll choose your flavor, and get exactly what you expect. Sugary artificially flavored booze.
Aftertaste: None, really.
Strength of Liquor: 10 proof - 5% alcohol by volume
Strength of Hangover: The tooth fairy might visit you to reward you for the teeth on your pillow, but that's about it.
Final Recommendation: No one should buy them for themselves, and anyone who has it bought for them should get copies of the IDs and mugshots of the guys buying it for them, and send them along to their friends...just in case. For new drinkers and serial rapists only.

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