Post-Modern Drunk: The War On Christmas and Terror
Apparently, there's a War on Christmas going on right now, and no one told me. Seriously, no one told me, pretty much the best footsoldier in the War on Fictions out there! I must have missed the last Liberal Assholes Anonymous meeting where the orders came down from the ACLU and the Elders of Zion (which surprisingly are two different autonomous orgaizations entirely, with separate 501(3)(c) designations and everthing).

But I had to hear it from the Falafel King himself, Bill O'Reilly: there is an assault on Christmas in full swing, as evidenced by the recent admission of the U.S. government that they used white phosphorus rounds on Santa's Village, the frequent IED attacks on the 101st Airborne patrolling the North Pole, the interminable detention of the Rudolph, Dancer, and Blitzen sleeper cells in Abu Ghraib, and the increasing radicalization of the elves in a way that's unprecedented since the anarchosyndacalist days of the early 60s.

These conservative fuckbags like O'Reilly decry the assault on Christmas, which just goes to show you how anti-american they truly are. Is there anymore perverse and anti-freedom statement than "Merry Christmas"? It's a statement that glorifies the perverse installation of a child king, one who would die two years before he was ever eligible to even run for president, and who would attempt to advance an internationalist agenda: a Kingdom of Heaven and Earth that makes the One World Government the UN would impose on us look like a neighborhood block organization.

More sinister, the ethos this "man" would impose on us is deeply antithetical to capitalism, the foundation of this great nation. This "reason for the season" advocates giving away all your worldly possessions and following him rather than buying presents for your loved ones. When you think of it, this is deeply ironic for a guy who received the first Christmas presents of all time: gold, frankincense, and myrrh, three incredibly valuable but functionally useless items--kind of the Middle East equivalents of giving your inamorata a conflict diamond. So Jesus speaks out against wealth and capitalism and desire for oil and instead advocates welfare and peace and helping out each other. It's painfully evident that Jesus is against money and the capitalist war of all against all that has made our country the shining city on the hill in this past century, a force for good in this world of power and violence--an advocate for democracy the world over.

It should be plain to see that the War on Christmas and the War on Terror are simply separate battlefields in the same war, and that anyone wishing you a Merry Christmas is an enemy of freedom. Don't fall prey to it. Good King Wenesclaus is a fascist, you're never going to get your two front teeth in in time for Christmas, and the Little Drummer Boy is a mere harbinger of war--these carols are the War on Christmas's videotapes of extremist cells attacking all we hold dear.

Stay strong. We will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural fluids.

And have a Happy Holidays.

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