Post-Modern Drunk: 21: Christ admits alleged Salvation simply a "miscommunication"

Post-Modern Drunk: 21: Christ admits alleged Salvation simply a "miscommunication"
[During a lively chat bot conversation on Thursday, Pony said, in passing, "i think we need to all dig up our writing from when we were 21 and post it." As it just so happens that I was writing for publication (on the student newspaper), I have some examples, which I will be posting from time to time over the next couple of days, contingent, of course, on them not sucking too badly. The majority of these pieces come from "The Scorch," our April Fool's Day edition of the paper, which I wrote about a third of. The piece here also has the best complaint letter I've ever received, which I'm reprinting in full.]

Christ admits alleged Salvation simply a "miscommunication"

Jesus Christ, the presumed Lord and Savior of the universe, and a notoriously reclusive celebrity not prone to making official public statements, gave a stunning press conference Monday wherever two or more were gathered in His name, announcing that the alleged salvation promised in all four Gospels is, "simply a misunderstanding."

Jesus Christ, a one-time foreign carpenter who seemed to live a blessed life, rapidly became a grassroots pop culture phenomenon based on His close personal and business relationship with His Father-in-Heaven, Lord God the creator of the universe.

Even his untimely death and resurrection nearly 2,000 years ago was unable to slow his ever-growing popularity, despite challengers as varied as Mohammed and Karl Marx.

Christ's popularity further skyrocketed after a number of unrelated reports that claimed whosoever believed in Him would have eternal life. But now Christ is claiming that he was misquoted. " I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused," Christ said, "But this whole salvation thing was just a bad joke on Simon Peter. It got out of hand, like a bad game of telephone, and I apologize if there were some miscommunication."

Despite these revelations, Christ's approval rating remains high, due in part to the continued support of His Father-in-Heaven, the Lord God, who in a rare interview told The Scorch through a burning rubber plant, "JESUS REMAINS MY SON, WITH WHOM I AM WELL PLEASED."

However, experts believe Christ runs the risk of a public relations backlash. Tim Russert predicted "Christ will encounter a growing sense of betrayal reminiscent of George Bush after he went back on his 'no new taxes' pledge or the reaction to former vice president Al Gore's claims of having invented the Internet."

Indeed, some prominent religious leaders have been crying "Judas," publicly expressing frustration at Christ. Pope John Paul III told us Tuesday, "I don't know what to think anymore. One minute he's our Lord and Savior, and the next we're left out to dry. I feel abandoned right now. I thought we were friends! I mean, I was practically co-Savior."

Christ has not stayed completely silent since this past Monday. On Thursday He met with Leetz, Milkem and Cheetum, a prominent New York public relations firm, and together they have tried to put a positive spin back on Christ's performance as Son of God, emphasizing his 30-plus years as a miracle-worker and Prince of Peace and downplaying mankind's continued eternal damnation from the Original Sin brought about by Adam and Eve.

Neither Adam nor Eve was available for comment.

And the response:

Letter of Protest
Mr. Stuart
You are in very poor taste. I would rather have a repeat of last year's Scorch than your article on Christ. I realize the Scorch is a joke but there are some things one should never mock, religion tops them all. We are all worse off for having read your article. You are awarded no points in the game of life. And just remember this, Jesus STILL loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

May God have mercy on your soul,

Sarah A. R-----i

comments[7] | 5/9/2006 | perma-link

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