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She's confused, but she's not so confused.
the new bald professor has called and asked her to spend time with him due to his unexpected cancellation of plans. She wants to be anywhere but with him, and she wonders why she gives him the time of day then. She knows.
"so you still believe in love?"
"why, I'm guessing you've stopped."
"only because I've been kicked out of the liar's club. I think when you don't get the primal jolt early on as a tiny baby, it kind of kicks you around trying to collect game tokens from then on - not having a clue you're just a stupid four-year-old whining."
"oh, I think you have a clue. you just don't know what to do about it."
He beckoned to her with that comment and they made love like practiced aficionados.
"even making love. It's got to be all some stale manufactured thing to get the continuation of the human race."
"darling, we've already discussed all this. remember? the nuances. the deviations. the dancing?"
The tea was still too hot to drink. She put it down on the kitty cat coaster and ignored those wanting to get her attention. Except for him. She was always willing to focus upon him. For whatever stupid reason, was there a reason - he had become someone she used as a touchstone. It was weird sometimes to think of the other world - if there was another world - and what it all would mean. She thought it was interesting that he saw a whole shaman ceremony at his dying, scarred body. Maybe something like that would galvanize her, yet sigh and yawn and anyhoo, it had been lived before all of it. She was LIII.
And what to do today that didn't involve eating. She greatly wanted the opportunity to be picked up and delved into...
... just not by the new one. and thanks to all the gods that she had the new one. without him, she would have no ego boost - no external validation. It did break her heart a tiny bit when he asked to see her passport foto - maybe he was seeing if she was real. But, she was so pretty seven years ago maybe because he was like "oh shit, I thought she was pretty before. now, I realize she's a shell! do I have a shot at something valued or is she a hag?"
She smoked another fag metaphorically.
What prize was he in any world. She had yet to see anything that made her go "now YOU - who are YOU! tell me everything." Instead, she lied to him a lot - making tendrils of excuses on why she couldn't hang out with him. She had nothing really to say to him because his face terrified her. She felt so Seinfeld about it -but his face had this fake smile on it all. the. time. and when it didn't, it was this terrified unmasked. She was going to see if there was any fun to be had yet looking at the door.
And god and all things holy she was so very very very very very grateful for the distraction. She well remembered the empty daze. She wondered if she had chosen the correct pair of her five acquired sunglasses to wear. One hopes. One hopes.
you play, you win. you play, you lose. you play.
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