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I don't think the girls in group tonight realized - or rather I didn't convey - that them (my family) being happy, makes me happy. It's an entirely selfish dream/fantasy of mine that I help - in any way - heal my family and make them happy and fulfilled.
It is strange to realize I love them.
I attempted to tell the gals that I wanted my mother to know that she wasn't a failure - the the fight originated from that. They cited child vying for responsibility in mommy's happiness. The cited controlling mother. Well, I love you. I want you to be happy. I try and fail and sometimes just think good thoughts or try to move the behind-the-scenes (i.e. mother and aunt linda ((my most trusted allies)) )
anyhoo:
scene: 12/25/06 to 12/31/06
Subdivision like ET in it's sameness and like Florida in it's swimming pools, poorly built grandeur and humidity. Seven Bedrooms. All thirteen members of the family UNDER ONE ROOF FOR THE FIRST TIME - ladies and gentlemen - SINCE I WAS SIX YEARS OLD.
We went to amusement parks. The first day was universal. All thirteen of us caravaned.
We rode three rides and bonded as a mass. This was the first day.
I love my baby grand-nephew, Eathen Martin. I love and feel I know better my lovely neice: the brave and striving jessica, my nephew of my own karma - John. They told me they loved me. We cried. We talked about the letter.
My sister hit a car, backing out with the huge suv in the subdivision in kissimmee with a gameroom in the garage.
My mom forgot the most important thing for christmas... a thing that I have not experienced christmas without in memory: the homemade sugar coookies.
I saw "Charlotte's Web" (bored but it was restful) with my eleven year old twin neices.
I fed my mother and ma belle soeur clonipan.
I wanted to help. It was in my own self interest. Making the ones I love happy or makes me happy.
But I can't control you.
I express my love the way that I do.
You express it the way you do.
Which is us is wrong?
We love. We know one another exist.
I loved loved loved the red and blue/fire and ice dragon roller coaster at Universal.
Disneyland was way different.
Going with children and many people to please, you do not get to ride what you want to ride. Just coordinating with the other team via cellphones that are never heard/answered within the park... it wastes fifty per cent.
Smoking cigarettes (menthols alas) and thus breaking my vow to quit smoking during this trip - with john and jessica. (cigarettes are bonding when shared. that is half the hardness of giving up - the comeraderie.)
Learning secrets and being honoured.
Going to Midieval Times in Kissimmee and being amused and fascinated with my extraverted young relatives. They really liked it, and I was amused - but then they didn't like it like dorks.
I was out until four am with my cousins. I was the designated driver. One and a half hours was due to me going in a circle around orlando.
I almost broke my solo karoke cherry, but my cousin john did instead. I bought all eight in our party a round. I had my nephew john and his friend from Atlanta - justin - drink jager shots. They feebly protested. they all really like raunchy hip-hop wih princess black women.
Babies are pure love.
Being around you exposes you to pure love.
My cookies are ready (store bought).
Happy New Year (again)
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