Post-Modern Drunk: We Love Katamari
Some things turn out to act on me like crack. Because of this, I should avoid certain relationships, most quality television, and all videogames. Video games especially, since "one little game--just until the next save point" often turns into six hours of hunting down collections of pixels in a ramshackle house with a digital shotgun, and suddenly the sun is rising and I should really go to work and sit for eight hours in front of another computer with less exciting games on it.

In real life, I'm probably about as talented as Dick Cheney when it comes to hunting down things with a shotgun, and I don't have any pinioned pigeons or decrepit lawyers at my disposal. But in the digital realm, I'm pretty good--primarily at first-person shooters. Quick hand/eye coordination, the ability to predict what my opponents would do, unquenchable aggression--all these things made me a threat at both sniper rifles and close range shotgun combat. These were my bread and butter back in college, and many a weekend was whiled away setting a defensible sniper's nest, or sneaking through houses listening for the sound of an approaching enemy.

So a game like Katamari Damacy should have been no threat. Perhaps the most deceptively simple game I've ever played, and surely the most gleefully hallucinogenic, Katamari Damacy combines the addiction of crack with a healthy dose of the old lysergic acid. Rather than gazing through the scope of a rifle, or razing civilizations with your mounted troops, all you have to do is roll a sticky ball around, using its amazing adhesive powers to pick up everything you can. The more you pick up, the larger you get and the more you can pick up.



Why? Because the King of All Cosmos, your father, just accidentally destroyed all the stars in the sky in a drunken haze and needs you to collect enough matter to replace them. In it's own fractured way, Katamari Damacy might in fact be one of the bloodiest games of all time, since as you progress from rolling up ants and loose change, you eventually became capable of picking up cities, mountains, and eventually, stripping the continents clean off the earth, leaving it a featureless ocean in the void. Which is something I'm sure we can agree is not a good thing, even if it results in a pretty nighttime sky.

Still, fun game. If it eventually becomes possible to buy your own Katamari rolling ball, this weapon might be a useful device to deal with monsters, rioters, and evangelical Christians.

Effectiveness of the Katamari on enemies.

• Vampires: The Katamari can neutralize vampires--also, being transformed into a star would inevitably expose vampires to sunlight, thus destroying them.
  
• Zombies: Although they will technically be glued to the ball, there is a slight danger of zombies biting, slashing, or otherwise infecting all others in the Katamari. Proper caution should be taken when katamariing zombies.
  
• Frankenstein: Not only would Frankenstein's monster be properly captured by the Katamari, but he'd also be a welcome and large addition to your ball.
  
• Werewolf: Werewolves would likely be taken in by the large round moonlike object coming towards them, and thus be easy to capture.
  
• Dick Cheney: Cheney uses a small shotgun, ineffective at greater than 30 yards--he would be easy to capture, and would likely expire of a heart attack shortly after being picked up and whipped around repeatedly. Also, mingling with the hoi polloi also collected might throw him into anaphylactic shock.

There. Hope that helps you out.

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