Post-Modern Drunk: I Love You But I've Chosen Snarkiness

Why I Might Not Die at a Young Age, After All
On the subway today, a young black man interpreted my constant attempt to rearrange my camera and cellphone in my pocket--in the interest of comfort, mind you--as my paranoid belief that he was going to steal them both the moment I looked the other way.

"If I make you that fuckin' nervous, perhaps you should fuckin' move."
"Huh?"
"I said, if I make you that fuckin' nervous, perhaps you better move."
"Dude! I don't think you're going to steal my crappy cell phone. I'm trying not to jab you with it." (Yes, I actually said, "Dude!")

Not a year ago, I might have responded with naked stupid aggression. I don't take criticism very well. Perhaps this is a sign that I've matured. Or that I'm angling to be killed by something more meaningful (I'm still thinking choking to death drinking bourbon through a trache hole is in my future).

Inexplicable notebook fragment, Pt. 1
"Her credit is so bad she has to buy her dildos used."

Inexplicable notebook fragment, Pt. 2
"Run it up a cross and see who genuflects."

Random Liturgical Fragment, remembered from my youth, apropos of nothing
"I have sinned against You in thought, word, and deed, by what I have done, and by what I have left undone."

Weird riff on e.e. cummings, Pt. 1
"when the world is pogrom-wonderful"

Huh. Interesting.
If you Google "puddle-wonderful," my post containing that poem of E.E. Cummings comes up before any other direct quote of Cummings work.

My favorite misplaced apostrophe in a possessive
Texa's.

The stupidest pun I've ever made
"The right of return to Phallus-stein." = The belief that lesbians can be "converted" back to being straight.

Variations on a theme, special homophobia edition
"Like a bull dyke in a china shop."

"Love's a two way dream" (aka. Nakedly Freudian Dreams of Yesteryears)
I just found an old entry in a journal from a couple of years ago, concerning a dream I had:
"Another odd one last night. I was in my bedroom with all my ex-girlfriends--all the girls I'd dated or even had feelings for in my life. The bedroom was also a courtroom, and they were all judging me. Sadly, I couldn't be bothered to defend myself because I was too busy struggling to open a bottle of wine. The really fun part was that, interspersed amongst everyone I knew, there were also women I haven't met yet--presumably, the girlfriends of the future, judging me preemptively. I wish I could remember what they looked like."

Yeah, lame, and really easy to interpret. Plus, Fellini beat me to it (in "8 1/2") by a couple of decades. Even my dreams are rip-offs of better writers.

This better fucking endear me to you
When I was a kid, for about a year I kept a lump of coal in my pocket all the time. I had heard that a lump of coal eventually becomes a diamond when exposed to great heat and pressure--so I kept it in my pocket and pressed down on it as much as I could. I was hoping to eventually sell it for, like, a hundred dollars.

Isn't that the cutest thing ever!

Excuse me, I have to go vom.

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