Post-Modern Drunk: Things Too Long For Twitter, but Too Short for Their Own Posts

• If the woman in the Spin Doctor's song "Two Princes," has been leading not one, not two, but three guys on enough so that they're all ready to propose marriage to her, maybe she's not the catch you might have thought at first.
• "Passengers must remain seated for the final hour before landing. During that time, they may not have access to their carry-on baggage or hold personal items on their laps. " I may not have been following this most recent plane bomber story very closely, but I'm pretty sure he tried to blow himself up, not finish the most recent Dan Brown novel.
• To the tourist girl who bumped into my table and spilled my beer into my book last night at Shake Shack: "My bad" is not an appropriate apology. For the next time (and I"m sure there will be a next time, since you seem like a clumsy and thoughtless person) next time try "I'm sorry." "My bad," is what you say when you're not really apologizing for anything. Grabbing napkins to help clean up your mess might be appropriate as well.
• Random word that I have in my head: "SACPOP." Actually, that's more of an acronym than a word, but what's more worrying is that I have no idea what that keeps bopping up in my head unbidden every once in awhile, especially because of what it means: "Strike Against Civilian Population." That is, a nuclear attack on a city. I know it from the "Eschaton" sequence in Infinite Jest (one of the funniest sustained bits of comedic writing ever created). I think it might have even been coined by DFW there. What I don't know is why the hell it floats across my mind every once in awhile.
• One of the more surprising revelations I had over this past decade was that I don't really like to party. I always thought of myself as someone who liked hanging out with lots of people and got energy from that, so it was always dispiriting to go to every single party and have a more or less miserable time. It was only relatively recently that I realized, no, I don't like parties. I like gatherings, and hanging out, and I really do like spending time with a bunch of my friends. But the parties I like tend more towards dinner parties or hanging out at a bar, not, you know, 50-100 people hanging out after hours at a nursery school, getting drunk. And if it's too loud for more than two people to hear each other talk, I'm out of there. I hate the forced one-on-one conversation of a place too loud to hear the person next to the person next to you.
• I went out for dinner and a movie with my ex-girlfriend the other night, and on the way to meet up with her, I suddenly realized that literally every piece of clothing I was wearing, from my t-shirt and jeans to my shoes and my coat, were bought for me by her. Now that I am no longer with her, am I going to have to start dressing myself? How long can I coast on the stockpile of clothes she picked up for me over the three years we were together? I have not yet raised these questions with my new girlfriend, but it's a touchy subject to ask someone to dress you.
• I think a lot of people are surprised that my ex and I are on as good a terms as we are. "Do you still talk?" people ask me from time to time. Of course we do. One of the bartenders at Trivia the other night said to me, "Can you believe that your ex came by the night you were hosting?" Actually, yes I can. I invited her. Do other people just have worse break-ups than me, or am I just extra forgiving?
  
• I don't understand body piercing in general, but no matter how extreme the piercings, I can always feel more badass. I had my fucking spine pierced! Beat that, tribal tat guy!

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i can‘t change lanes, i‘ll change lanes				death in the afternoon

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