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Now, when I berate myself for all the PRECIOUS things I lost... I remember that shell-shocked human wandering around the house trying to feel some bit of normal again and going on bizarre wild goose chases based on advice of confusion. The first impulse I had was to eradicate Andrew. It was also like the house was a scene of a death - such terrible memories yet also home. But I wanted half the deposit nor did I want to pay rent. I got out as quickly as I could and took long buses to see apartments that depressed me. At the time, I was just stunned and ANGRY and hurt and confused and stunned and I had lost my wallet so there was even more fun things to do, and I'm ashamed of so much of it. When I think back to what I took - so much of it was trying to take from Andrew. I washed all his clothes. I unpacked his bluebeard's closet. I wanted to know who he was. I maintained a job through all this and I was also in school - it was my last quarter. I can't believe I did it. I still remember the internet going out the forty five minutes after I had done my final project on our virtual class. It was all jam packed in there like this paragraph. I mean sure looking back, mistakes were made. I could have asked Andrew something. I could have asked him to resend his North Carolina email that I deleted before reading. I could have done many things, but I was butt hurt. he had humiliated me. I had humiliated myself. I was in a terrible terrible place. Then, I had to hire movers but didn't leave time to do a dummy check because I had papers served on me to vacate and was too 'goodbye' to ask the landlords to come back. in my stupidity, I thought Andrew would move and clean and get it all empty so we could get our deposit back. ha. it was and still does floor me. but at least it's over. that beautiful gilded cage is smashed.
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