Teen News: A FEW WORDS BEFORE YOU GO Are you a teenager who's thinking of committing suicide? Has the "so-what-ness" of life finally proven too overwhelming? Are you mad that those Palestinian teens get all the glory? Don't worry, I'm not here to try and convince you otherwise. In fact, I say GO AHEAD! Do yourself in, if that's your bag, but do me just one little favor first. Print out my handy pre-suicide checklist (available below) and take it with you in the days preceding your self-cancellation. Make it your final task to do all the things on this list before you bite the ceiling. Not to worry, you won't find the usual platitudes like "go to work naked" or any other standard pre-suicide fodder. Trust me. Performing the items on this list assures that you will at least die a more complete and well-rounded human. It'll do you a world o' good before it's too late. Best of luck!
We'll start with an easy one. Sit in a room full of Chinese people who are all eating soup, and just quietly revel in the magnificence of omnipresent slurping. If you're having trouble finding an applicable room in your area, try a local hotel/motel that features a Chinese housekeeping staff. If you can get into the breakroom around lunch/dinner, you're set!
As you're suicidal, I realize there's a good chance you don't have any good friends. If somehow you do, gather them up, go to a party, and hide in the bathtub behind the (preferably opaque) shower curtain. Try to remain completely silent as people come and go, using the bathroom or doing whatever they came to the bathroom to do. Give yourself bonus points if you can keep from laughing when someone farts. If caught, be prepared to feign complete drunkenness or mental retardation, even though a tubful of retards at a party is a bit of a stretch. P.S. - In the event you no longer have friends, this task can be done solo. If caught, you can just pretend you're already dead...or just passed out...or retarded.
Go to a pet store and purchase a cat playhouse. In particular, one of those wooden, cylindrical, carpet-covered deals with a hole in the side big enough to get your head into. Now, go to a crowded intersection with said cathouse AND a big hammer. Now, place the cathouse over your head and begin hitting it repeatedly with the hammer. If done correctly you won't hurt yourself (but then that's probably not a big concern for you, is it?). After each blow of the hammer, be sure to act like you're getting dizzy. Maybe stumble to one side for a moment. Or hold your arms out as if you're trying to retain your balance. Congratulations, you've just won the love of hundreds (perhaps thousands) of bored commuters!
You'll probably want to cash out all your assets before your big dirt nap. If you haven't done so already, here's your chance to put a dent in your now-pointless savings account. Rent a spacesuit for the weekend. Put it on and hit the teen nightclubs. Try to pick up chicks/guys without removing the helmet. Your voice will be heavily muffled from behind the faceplate, so be prepared to do lots of shouting. A good idea for a pickup line would be, "Baby, in this light you look just like an astronaut, and I don't mean Gus Grissom" (wink wink). Also, it helps if you act like you're in low gravity. This highly realistic effect is easily achieved by walking in slow motion with your arms held out to either side.
Speaking of suit rental, when you return your spacesuit, be ready to blow some more dough on a robot costume for your next assignment. Preferably a 50's-style clunky robot. Put it on and head for the nearest elementary school playground, armed with a bag full of cigars and Tiger Balm. Remain hidden behind some nearby trees until recess. Now, immediately locate the children's teacher/supervisor and wait for a moment when he/she becomes distracted from the kids. This is your moment to swoop in and distribute as many cigars and tins of Tiger Balm to the kids as you can. Keep this up until the teacher notices and chases you back into the woods. If you must speak, choose a robot voice with just a hint of racial stereotype. Think "Uncle Sambot". A reminder; the zero-gravity walk works nicely here, too.
Okay. Enough with the suits already. We've not much time before you commit yourself to the void, and we're almost finished, so let's keep up the pace...
You've worked hard to get this far, so I'll go easy on you for this one. All it requires is a supply of rubber bands, and all you have to do is keep them with you wherever you go. Why? So that whenever you're in a home with one of those spray nozzle things on the kitchen sink, you can discreetly wrap a rubber band several times around the handle, causing it to be squeezed to the 'on' position. Now, just make sure the nozzle is pointed in the direction of the next unfortunate sink user, and walk away! That was easy, was it not?
Last one! Being terminally depressed is a great excuse to get away with pranks. For example, no one would EVER suspect a suicidal person of the following fun trick, so use this opportunity wisely. First, eat a really huge meal, followed by some coffee and a bran muffin. Then, pick a friend who owns a cat and show up at their house under the guise that you need to talk about your dark, self-destructive feelings of late. When you can no longer contain the volcano that is your bowels, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Now, hopefully the cat's litterbox will be in the bathroom as well. If so, this is your moment to drop trou and boldly go where no man has gone before...in the cat box! For an added hint of realism, it might help to scratch your steps afterwards. Return to the living room and resume your little "talk" for a while, secure in the knowledge that at some point after you leave, your friend will discover a large, human-sized chunk of poo in the cat's litterbox. Talk about confused! Imagine the fun as your friend tries to explain the cat's "condition" to the vet! Okay, you've completed my pre-suicide "action checklist", and you should feel significantly more invigorated and prepared to take the big leap! As the internet generation might say, "TTFN!" Be sure to make the best of it, and if you could do me one favor; Tell Abraham Lincoln I said hello and thanks for all the good work!
For more exciting suicide fun, be sure to check back with me in a month or so when I'll feature another exciting article detailing innovative and exciting ways to actually do yourself in! In the meantime, take care!
