1. The fucking guy at the end of the street who is blowing leaves or dirt or what the fuck ever at 930 at night for like a fucking hour now stops.
2. The windshield that I just had installed on The Worst Car I Have Ever Owned suddenly stops making that weird noise between 60 and 100 mph that it never made before and settles down and behaves like a normal windshield is expected to behave.
3. The yellow warning light which has recently appeared on the dash panel of The Worst Car I Have Ever Owned either magically goes away, or goes away after my mechanic pushes a magical button inside of the computer-brain of TWCIHEO.
4. The average optical density values of the no-antigen control read at 405 nanometers of the ELISA method that is a pain in my ass suddenly drop well below the average OD values of the 0.391 ug/mL standard, which marks the lower end of the standard curve of the aforementioned assay, the very same assay now lodged inside the lower 5 inches of my colon.
5. The special order asshole ceramic tiles that I ordered from The Home Depot will actually arrive without so much as a single scratch of an infant's toenail upon their trendy and overpriced Asian Black, pseudo-slate surface, so that I may complete the long awaited hearth of my cosmetic fireplace hole.
5a. as a side note, due to the non perfect condition of the previous 3 orders of tiles from The Home Depot, there is no future situation that will make me enter a The Home Depot ever again in this lifetime. To clarify, my cat in a burlap bag + brick + swimming pool, or buy some nails at The Home Depot, well, nice having known you Robinson. Inject me with 10cc of HIV infected blood or just stop by THD for a hot dog - at least I knew what it was like to have a high white blood cell count once.
6. It begins to rain this evening, and does not stop until even the farmers are complaining about why does it have to rain so goddamn much. Let us pray to Jesus to make it rain somewhere else already.
7. I suddenly stop worrying about anything that happens to me in the next 48 hours.
8. The dead reappear for a non-zombie dreamlike appearance.
9. The Earth stops rotating on its axis without the loss of gravity or any other important and necessary Earth rotational effects for one day.
10. That girl I work with whose dog was killed when the house burned down starts to smile again.
