For the benefit of shortening the time of Desired Product on Shelf to Xmas Tree or Other Religious Hearth, I present:
Acceptable forms of physical, aural or visual interaction with fellow shoppers while waiting in line for a holiday store to open, or while in the store and in-melee. Actual practices taken from Reuters news wire denoted with **.
Serrated knife against external or internal jugular vein area. No more than 10% skin breakage by blade. Minimal blood.
Clean ice pick jab into one kidney, one time and then removed quickly while disappearing into a crowd with the goods. Ice pick may be from same store if purchased on same day as assault. The ice pick in the kidney bit produces little immediate blood, but that person with a brand new hole in their organ will forget all about the Playstation 3 they were holding and drop to the floor. You can even pretend to be the one helping them as they fall, and then make off with the PS 3 goods.
** One sweep of foot against the knee of a person of at least 85 years of age. (1)
One poke in eyes using first two fingers of dominant hand in the method of The Three Stooges. One repeat attempt at poke in eyes if the enemy combatant uses the classic vertical-hand-against-bridge-of-nose-block. Acceptable alternates include: stomp on foot followed by a roundhouse smack on head (bald EC's only); fake stain on shirt alert with a hand-to-face cuff issued in a vertical line from fake-stain-alert area to face of victim; head lock with supporting noogie. Sound effects by crowd or combatants acceptable only during approved The Three Stooges physical comedy routines.
** Pushing.
** Shoving.
** Tripping.
** Biting (non-sensual)
Fake heart attack for sympathy as a mode of distraction.
** Actual self-induced heart attack for distraction purposes.
Self-inflicted wound of ice pick into kidney for the sole purpose of crowd sympathy. As in, "Someone has just inserted a clean ice pick into one and only one of my kidneys and then removed it and then disappeared into this crowd. Can you please give me that motorized talking bear/electronic gaming device/other that you are holding?"
Masked bandit kissing with excessive and partially digested food still in mouth. Outfit must include a cape and may not in any way resemble an actual super hero.
** Gentle, but not that gentle, sensual biting if wearing a costume getup as described just above. No food in oral cavity necessary.
Man in trench coat getup: underwear at ankles, trench coat buttoned up, thumb of non-dominant hand in mouth undergoing active sucking, eyes wandering over crowd for any takers. Only physical interaction needed is to occasionally bump into members of crowd to get their attention. Measurements of crowd dispersal using this technique are varied and controversial. Dispersal should occur within seconds. If any stragglers remain after 15 seconds, begin to unbutton trench coat to reveal what they fear might just be there. Use of blood pressure regulating medicines (Viagra, Cialis) is optional. For the more disturbed - tuck genitals between legs with open coat and simulate a 4 year old girl's need to potty while continuing to suck on thumb and saying mommy, mommy, mommy into your closed mouth. If any crowd members are still remaining and you are not yet under arrest, get out, you have lost this one. If any male crowd members are mimicking your actions, or have either one or both of their hands in their pants, your behavior choices and the resultant emotional, physical and psychological effects and implications are your own and the sole risk of the primary thumb sucker.
Clothesline. Fake arm cast may be used for added injury.
Peanut butter in ear gag. Family or restaurant-sized smooth peanut butter in non-dominant hand/arm. Use dominant hand to scoop up a wad of peanut butter and smear it into an EC's closest ear. A good combination is to smear a line of EC's each in turn, about face, and use the clothesline or a leg sweep + push as a follow up.
** Urination in public gag. Obviously not as physical as some other methods here, however, research shows this as a very effective clearing technique. Only 5% of a given population is considered pee-curious, minimizing onlookers and the annoying "pee on me next" requests. Preparation includes drinking four cups coffee within 20 minutes followed by four glasses beer between 30 and 60 minutes of performance. Optional dietary bonus: two asparagus sandwiches eaten a few hours prior to zero hour. Especially effective in outside and cold situations. Appropriate sounds of relief of pressure on swollen bladder tissue are expected and helpful for crowd control. (2)
** Singing or humming songs of the season to yourself.
End notes
(1) If sweep of knee on octogenarian + citizen is successful, the still standing EC may then choose to either, (a) yell out "boo-yahh!!" while performing a fake karate chop or closed fist punch into the air or, (b) actually add more injury to shopper by driving elbow into their 85 + YO neck while jumping down upon them from on-high. Also known as the Pile Driver. No verbal additives allowed if choosing option (b) over (a).
(2) A useful alternate to the public urination gag is the I Just Wet My Own Pants but I Refuse to Leave This Store Gag. Same preparation needs as the UIPG, except wear either dark tan/khaki pants or light grey pants for maximum visual perception of the wetted area by the crowd. Improvised use of thumb suck/throat noise is helpful but optional. Improvised fetal position/thumb suck while actual wetting is taking place has never been successfully performed due to negative crowd-as-mob disgust mentality which usually turns into a kicking festival on your own body.
